Brina

I know everyone is probably sick of hearing about my issues but I don't really care.


Looking back over the past year Me and my family have gone through so many changes. Some great some not so great. These were not small changes like switching the brand of toilet paper you wipe your ass with. No these were life altering changes. Lets do a recap:

1) My two beloved cats, Kitty and Boo pass over the rainbow bridge within a month of each other.

2) My parents up and move half way across the country (this can be considered a "not so bad" thing. Just kidding Mom. I know you creep on my Blog.) taking my little sister with them and leaving me my rotten evil brother (I don't know how this is fair).

 3)  Next up rounding out the year my husband up and leaves me after being a couple for almost 20 years. He needed to "find himself" (Oh he waited until our 8 year wedding anniversary dinner to spring this gem on me.). Well fuck off douche bag I am better without (I am in another angry phase of my separation).

4) A dear family friend lost his battle with cancer. This one has been a hard one and I am still trying to process it. He was my Dad's bestfriend. I grew up with Rick. He was like an Uncle to me and my siblings. Him and his wife Deb coming over on holidays and summer BBQ's. I hadn't seen Rick a lot over the past few years. But I did get to spend a few Weekends with him at the end. I got to say goodbye. I will forever be grateful to his wife for letting me come visit with him during this time.

5) The newest layer to be striped is another hard one. It is the sudden passing of Brandy, my Dad's one true love. He loved this dog more than he loves his wife or kids for that matter (He at least never forgot the dog's name).

This is a lot of loss to handle in the span of 1 year. 12 months. Each month peeling a layer of me away. Each month trying to strip me down to my bare soul.  I am so raw with emotion that it has been very hard for me to cope like an adult through all of this. I have my melt downs. I have my fits of rage. I have my idiot phases were I have to prove that I am a big girl now so I put myself in stupidly high risk and dangerous situations. I feel that I have been completely peeled down to my finally layer. My core. Brina. Brina is my inner child. She is scared. She has never been this close to the surface. She has always stay tucked down inside, protected from the harsh outside world. But this year I couldn't protect her. It was to tough and I was beat down so her she is. She is all that is left.

But now that she has been brought to the surface she can heal. She can open her eyes and not be scared anymore. She can see the world in a beautiful new light. A fresh start. She can heal her old wounds and start her new journey. A new adventure filled with happiness and love. It will not be easy but I think she is up for the challenge. Time to rebuild. Time to see what kind of woman Brina is. I am so excited for my new journey I think I am finally ready to start it. I am strong. I am capable. I am Brina. 

My Space

There she sits on her couch. Her couch. A couch that belongs solely to her and nobody else. Covered in a soft blue slipcover and blankets and quilts. This couch was not new by any stretch of the imagination. It was a hand-me-down from her best friend. It was given to her with love. This was the best couch ever. Its cushions are so soft, the arms making perfect pillows for a mid-afternoon nap. This couch was lumpy and bumpy just like her. Soft and fluffy. Her couch sits in front of a bank of windows that she always likes to keep open. Being in an attic her windows overlook her neighborhood. Once upon a time she had to share this view with someone but now it is all hers. The sun pouring in, a gentle breeze tickling her neck. These windows now belonged only to her. She could stare out of them and daydream all day if she so chose to. The paint was chipping off the frames and one of the screens was bent from her pesky cat trying to escape one night but that is what made these windows so beautiful to her. They were not perfect. They were aged and had character. They had been here for so long. This house is over 150 years old. These windows had seen things. Had seen many changes in this community. Everything about her apartment was old, from the beloved couch to the threadbare wood floors. Her apartment had been through centuries. She would sit and close her eyes and try to picture who had come before her. Who had looked out these windows. Who had walked these floors. Who had made sweet passionate love in this very room. Who had cried themselves to sleep because of a broken heart. This old apartment had so many stories to tell. So many secrets. This is why she loved her place so much. It was her sanctuary. She sometimes felt as old as her apartment. As broken and worn as everything within its walls. She had been through so much in her short life. Laughter, love, death, heartache. Her life was almost always in constant chaos. But her she sits. Still alive. Her heart, though broken, was still beating. Still seeing, still hearing, still breathing.

Rhode Island

 If you are related to me in any way or if you are a God fearing Christian, turn back now.

NO NO NO DO NOT KEEP READING

Stop I am warning you....

Okay then you have been warned........



She pulls up to a small blue house on a quiet street. What is she doing? What is wrong with her? She had never done anything like this before. Was this the new her? Reckless and thrill seeking? She sat there for a few minutes staring down at her steering wheel wondering if she should go through with this. A week ago if someone told her she would be doing something so dangerous she would have laughed in their face.

She had discovered Tinder during a night of boredom. So easy to swipe left or right. Then this little alert went off on her phone. She had a match. She quickly looked up his profile and was instantly attracted to him. He had this cute and mischievous look to him. The smile in his eyes awakened something in her. Something that had lain dormant for so long. Her phone chirped again. She had a message from him! "Good morning cutie :) " That was all it took. She was so easy. They started chatting. She learned he lived an hour and a half away in another state. He was a plumber who loved to surf and snowboard. He had a great sense of humor which was super attractive to her. They chatted everyday. She explained to him how "sheltered" she had become and how she wanted to get out there and live life. He encouraged her. Every conversation getting hotter and steamier each time. Finally she blurted out "I have to meet you" He agreed. He invited her to his place in RI. At first she was nervous. She didn't really know this person. For all she knew he could be a serial killer, or worse, a Trump supporter.

So here she sits, outside of this strangers house. Her heart pounding with fear and lust. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and opened the car door. As she stepped out into the sunlight she reassured herself. She would be okay. She knew how to handle herself. How was she going to be the new her if she didn't take risks? She reached the door. She raised her hand to knock, only hesitating for a split second. The door opened on the first knock and she was face to face with the sexy guy from Tinder. Before she could say hi he leaned forward, grabbing her face in his hands and kissed her. What could she do but kiss back. As they kissed he gently pulled her into his place. His hands moving from her face to the back of her neck and down her spine. She wrapped her arms around his neck and let herself be lead through the tiny home.She barely saw a kitchen and a living room as he pulled her towards what she could only assume was his bedroom. As they crossed the threshold he turned her around and gently pushed her onto the bed, kissing her the whole time. His tongue teasing hers, his hands moving up and down her body.She could feel the rigid heat coming from his pants. Her mind racing as she felt his hands pushing up her shirt. Her body started moving on its own, bending to meet his touch. Her hands started tugging on his pants button. What has gotten into her? What was happening? She tried to stop but couldn't. Her body had taken completely over. She gave up fighting and closed her eyes. As a moan escaped her lips she let go for the first time in her life....

DAMN YOU BRYAN ADAMS

One minute you are on top of the world. You are shouting from the rooftops about how great you are and how you can handle anything thrown at you. How you got this. You will not be defeated! You are a Rock Star! You are confident and sexy and alluring. You are every person's deepest fantasy. You are free and can live life on your terms. And then it happens. You are driving along minding your own business listening to music rocking away. The awesome song you are listening to comes to an end and you hear the faint intro to the next song. The first bars of the piano music is coming through your speakers and before you can react Bryan Adams is telling you to look into his eyes, to search your heart, to search your soul. In that split second your whole world comes crashing down around you and you start bawling. You are paralyzed and cannot switch the song off. You just sit there at a green light crying your eyes out and wondering why you are so hard to love. Asking yourself what went wrong. What did you do that was so bad that he left you? Did you not love him enough? You obviously were not good enough for him. Were you to mean to him? Are you to fat for him? Are you to ugly? If he couldn't love you what makes you think anyone will ever love you? Will you be alone forever? Will you have to depend on your trusty vibrator for any future affection? As Bryan's voice is coming out of the speakers filling the car with his declaration of love to some perfect woman you are still sitting at that green light with a snot bubble coming out of your nose. Crying so hard you cannot see anything in front of you. Then the song starts to fade and you are so grateful! It's over! You can clean yourself up and start driving home. But NO! It is a LIE! As the song fades it then all of a sudden comes back stronger! You start to cry again and wonder if the pain will ever end. Will your heart ever be whole again. Your eyes are stinging from all of the tears. Your body shuttering so hard you can barely catch your breath. How did your life end up like this? How did you end up alone at almost 40 years old? The light has now gone from green to yellow to red and you are still sitting there; grateful no one is behind you because you couldn't drive if you wanted to. You are all alone and you feel like the world is just going to swallow you up and you will disappear forever.

The song fades off into the distance and yet you still sit there convulsing. Who comes to the rescue? Your hero! Your favorite female! Your Rock Star Idol. She can pull you back into fighting form! She has your back! For crying out loud every song she writes is about you isn't it? Like she has some all telling crystal ball that can see into your mind and heart. She pumps you right back up and reminds you that you do have this! You are a Rock Star and he is the tool! She reminds you that you gave your all and that you are not the problem, he is. Her words echoing in the car so loudly you can feel every note through your steering wheel. Your eyes start to clear and you look into the review mirror. Since all you really see is two bright red puffy orbs staring back at you, you blink a few times to make sure they are your eyes. You stare deeply into them. You stare beyond them and into yourself, into your soul and know you will be all right. You know you do not need anyone's love but your own. You know you are beautiful inside and out. You love you and anyone would be lucky to be your partner. You will never truly be alone. You are a strong and powerful woman who will bounce back better then before.

Na na na na na na, na na na na na na
Na na na na na na, na na na na na na

I guess I just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent (nope)
I got a brand new attitude
And I'm gonna wear it tonight
I wanna get in trouble
I wanna start a fight

 

Na na na na na na na, I wanna start a fight
Na na na na na na na, I wanna start a fight

 

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

 

Uh, check my flow, uh

 

The waiter just took my table
And gave to Jessica Simp- (shit!)
I guess I'll go sit with tomboy
At least he'll know how to hit
What if this song's on the radio
Then somebody's gonna die
I'm gonna get in trouble
My ex will start a fight

 

Na na na na na na na, he's gonna start a fight
Na na na na na na na, we're all gonna get in a fight!

So, so what?

 

You weren't there
You never were
You want it all
But that's not fair
I gave you love
I gave my all
You weren't there
You let me fall

 

So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright, I'm just fine
And you're a tool
So, so what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

 

Bad Reputation

Why do we always put so much credence into what people think of us? I understand for work purposes you have to put on a show but in your personal life you should be able to be you. The true you. For the past 20 years I have been living a lie. I have become someone I am not. I was afraid to have to much fun and to voice things because I was so afraid of people judging me. What was so different now than back then? Well for one thing I was young and naive. But the main change was what I did to my best friend. My little inner devil.

20 years ago I put my little devil in a box deep inside of me and told her to be quiet as it was time for her to sleep. I loved my little devil. We always had so much fun together. Going out and causing trouble at all hours. Leaving men and women wanting more. We always kept people guessing on what crazy thing I would do next. I was heart broken as I said goodbye to her but I knew it was for the best. I was entering into a serious relationship and there was no place for her I thought. For 20 years she lived in a dark recess of my soul and stayed somewhat quiet. Every once in awhile she would stick her head out and give a shout but I would quickly shoo her back into her box and close the lid. That box slipped deeper and deeper into me. I thought she was gone forever. Boy was I wrong!

Over the past few weeks there has been something scratching inside of me. Something desperately trying to climb back into the light. Since my husband left me I have been unsettled and feeling like I do not fit in anywhere. Wondering who I was and what happened to me. Then I started to hear this persistent scratching in my soul. I could feel something trying to come up from deep within me. I was scared. What was this noise I was hearing? What was happening to me? Then a door popped open and a two little horns emerged. Slowly my little devil started to climb out of her box, blinking into the light. As soon as I saw her I started to cry. She just stood there looking at me smiling saying everything would be okay now that she is here. I took her in my arms and we embraced. As I held her I knew I was going to be all right. She was here to help me. To help me fight. To help me be fun again. To love me unconditionally.  She was here to help me find my voice again. To whisper into my ear that she loves me no
matter what I do so never be ashamed. My little devil has come back to me. Everyone should be a little nervous.....

Keeping GameDay Classy

Just because you are traveling for work does not mean you need to party like an animal.